Growing up in the Christian community, girls especially were encouraged to write their list: “What do you want in a husband?”
Like most girls, I listed things like, “godly, tall, handsome, prays without ceasing, plays guitar, drives a truck.”
As I focused on this fictional dream guy, someone asked me, “Are you mirroring those same qualities in yourself that you want in a guy?” No, I wasn’t praying nonstop. No, I could barely play guitar. No, I had a grandma car. No, I wasn’t a bombshell. No, I wasn’t as godly as I apparently expected my future spouse to be. (I was, however, awkwardly tall as a teen.)
The Christian dating world can be a zoo, and I’d argue it’s much tougher now than it used to be. From all the stories I’ve heard, our grandparents’ generation tackled dating with directness and simplicity, though I’m sure it was not perfect. I’ve been married for nearly four years, so there’s little marriage advice I can fork out, but I’ve had my fair share of millennial dating experiences. I’ve done it poorly, and I’ve done it well.
Dating doesn’t have to be agonizing, hard, or confusing. Here are the top three pieces of dating advice I’d go back and give myself if I could.
1. Get healthy first
Do all you can to get healthy — spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I went to Christian counseling after yet another breakup. My counselor asked me the hard questions. She made me self-reflect and dig deep until we found the root issues.
When I started counseling, I didn’t understand why guys I had dated treated me poorly or didn’t value me or would say rude things to me out of spite. It baffled me that this scenario kept repeating itself like a bad nightmare.
Throughout counseling, I realized this endless cycle was entirely a “me” problem. I wasn’t some limp fish that had no control over my life or dating decisions. I had to take full responsibility for allowing myself to be treated poorly and end the vicious unhealthy dating cycle once and for all. My unhealthy thinking patterns and lack of self-worth played a momentous role in the kinds of men I attracted and was attracted to.
While we date and wait, we should strive to become holier and healthier.
Once I began valuing myself, I didn’t settle for mediocre guys or half-hearted dating efforts. Everything changed once I rooted out the lies that I believed about God, as well as my own unhealthy thought patterns.
Even though I would publicly profess how God is good, deep down I didn’t believe it. I believed the lie that “God isn’t really good. He doesn’t want good things for me.”
It seemed so easy for other girls to get married. After all, most of my friends already were, so I didn’t understand why I had such bad “luck.” I felt like God would dangle a carrot stick in front of me, and when I’d reach for it, he’d instantly snatch it away. It seemed cruel. The waiting seemed endless, and the rounds of dating grew exhausting, especially as I got into my late 20s.
But the moment I realized that I was believing a key lie about God, everything changed. God wasn’t snatching anything from me but rather protecting me, growing me, and transforming me.
A huge burden lifted off my shoulders and chains were broken once I confessed this lie and realized I had been feeding it.
I began to live my life weightless from believing that God didn’t care about my desires to get married and have a family one day. He wasn’t taunting me with these guys I dated. Rather, God had an incredible plan for my future, and it didn’t involve them. I began to wholeheartedly trust in God’s sovereignty and timing, and those couple years of waiting after counseling and before I met my now-husband were some of the best years of my life.
We are called to be faithful before we’re called to be married.
2. Ignoring red flags doesn’t make them green
Don’t ignore red flags; it doesn’t make them go away. I learned this the hard way because I didn’t just ignore red flags, I bulldozed right over them.
How many unhealthy and stagnate relationships continue because we ignore the bright flashing lights? Far too many. They are warning signs that beg us to stop and re-evaluate a relationship. Ignoring them is a sign that we are in denial. Call a spade a spade.
No matter how amazing someone might appear or how many good qualities they might have, if there’s a red flag — it’s time to pause.
Not ignoring red flags may seem like such a simple concept, but it wasn’t for me during my dating years, and it’s not for a lot of Christians I’ve talked to. When someone doesn’t think it’s a big deal to have an addiction, that’s a red flag. When someone treats you like garbage, that’s a red flag. When someone has no boundaries with the opposite sex, that’s a red flag.
Marriage amplifies problems we battle in singleness, so we must be hard at work rooting sin out of our lives. One older woman shared with me that she rushed into marriage, ignoring all the red flags because she thought she’d never have another opportunity to get married. She’s now divorced because her husband had been unfaithful most of their marriage, and she now regrets her decision deeply.
I was almost 30 years old when I got married because that’s what God had planned for me. But I can look back with utter thankfulness that I waited instead of rushing into marriage out of fear.
Dating doesn’t have to be a drawn-out affair if you’re intentional about it. But get married for the right reasons, and don’t dismiss those “this seems off” gut feelings and warning signs.
3. Give each other permission to ask hard questions
Have hard conversations: Give each other permission to ask the hard questions in the early phase of dating.
Before our first date, my now-husband asked, “Can we give each other permission to ask the hard questions?” We both were believers who dated for the intention of marriage, so we weren’t interested in wasting time by beating around the bush. Why would we want to ask the deal-breaker questions later down the road when we’re already emotionally too far gone? That would be a waste of time and energy.
Shockingly, I’ve heard of engaged couples at marriage counseling sessions who never asked each other how many kids they wanted or if they had debt.
While dating, my now-husband and I asked each other everything from theology to money to how we wanted to raise our children to what we envisioned the future to look like. Not everything has to be shared in great detail (especially at the beginning), but being transparent and clear with each other from the get-go is incredibly important. Plus, it builds trust.
Money issues are one of the biggest causes of divorce, so we should be open and honest about our finances, too. God (and Dave Ramsey) have a lot to say about handling money in a biblical way. By asking these types of questions, it can help get the hard stuff out of the way and make dating more fun.
Marrying someone who aligns with your worldview and your values is the glue that holds a marriage together. A good marriage can’t be built without it. Beauty fades, attraction can whither, emotions can come and go.
My mentor in college told me, “Don’t ever go down the aisle unless you can run down it.” We shouldn’t have any lingering questions or anything we’re holding back, either. A strong marriage is built on trust, which only comes by asking the hard questions and having those conversations long before you say, “I do.”
As I matured, my spouse “wish list” went from lengthy and unattainable to bare-bones with a few non-negotiables. Oddly enough, I became more selective as I got older. Not necessarily picky, but I wasn’t willing to settle because I knew not being married was better than being in a miserable marriage.
Dating should be fun and for the purpose of marriage, but strong relationships come by putting God first and asking the hard questions and not ignoring red flags.
While we date and wait, we should strive to become holier and healthier. God gives good gifts to us, and waiting for the right person can be one of them.
Christian, Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Christianity, God, Faith
