Testicle tanning.
If you remember anything from Tucker Carlson’s 2022 documentary “The End of Men” — apart from my captivating monologue about the evils of “soy globalism” and why weak men make hard times — it must be the scene where an anonymous right-wing bodybuilder stands atop a rock in the desert, his arms and legs spread in the famous “Vitruvian Man” pose, a red-light machine both illuminating and obscuring his modesty.
If broscience is about anything, it’s experimenting for yourself and trusting what your body tells you.
It was a striking image, for sure, and the producers of the documentary wanted it to stand as the weirdest and most wonderful of all the weird and wonderful things we “broscientists” are doing to reclaim our masculinity and enhance our health. They also wanted to trigger libs.
And trigger libs they did.
Big D energy
The usual suspects — Joy Behar, Stephen Colbert, VICE magazine, George Takei, Cenk Uygur of “The Young Turks” — all lined up to bash Tucker and everyone else in the documentary for believing that shining red light on your testicles can make them produce more testosterone. How absurd, they cried. What nonsense!
But their hate only made us stronger. The infamous pose went mainstream: Even this year’s hit reboot of “The Naked Gun” got in a few pointed sight gags at its — and our — expense.
Yes, it all probably does seem absurd and nonsensical. But the truth is that it’s anything but.
First of all, we know light stimulates and governs important processes in the body. This is an established fact. Indubitable. The formation of vitamin D, for example, depends on the interaction of sunlight and cholesterol in the skin. People who don’t go out in the sun and don’t eat enough vitamin D in their diets get rickets, or, in less extreme cases, experience depressive symptoms and hormonal imbalances, including reduced testosterone.
Blue states
Exposure to light and darkness governs the body’s circadian rhythms — aka the body clock — which are responsible for regulating, among other things, the secretion of hormones and processes of growth and recovery. We evolved as diurnal beings, following the natural cycles of the day and night, for 200,000 years before electric lighting and screens came along.
This is why constant exposure to blue light, which tricks the body into thinking it’s experiencing perpetual day, is so incredibly bad for you. Rat studies suggest chronic blue-light exposure could even cause early puberty, which is another reason for parents out there to limit their children’s phone, computer, and TV use.
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Boost below
A key study for the benefits of testicular exposure to light dates from 1939, when researchers found that exposure of the testes to UV light could increase urinary concentrations of a testosterone metabolite by “nearly 200%.” That’s no small boost.
Sadly, the early promise of this study was not seized upon. The science of testicular light exposure was stillborn, strangled in the crib — choose your metaphor.
Chick magnet
In the intervening decades, it was left to industrial farmers to pick up the torch. Industrial farmers are always looking for diabolical new ways to increase the growth of the animals they’re torturing. At some point, they decided to start experimenting with exposure to different frequencies of light, and they found some very interesting results. Chickens reared under constant blue light had higher testosterone levels, and birds reared under constant green light were significantly heavier with more muscle.
Of course, these are chicken and not human studies. Nevertheless, they illustrate an important principle: Different kinds of light can have different physiological effects.
In the red
Red light is now being treated as a serious object of study for its potential health benefits, although there aren’t any studies, as yet, of its effects on testosterone production, at least that I know of.
It’s being used to promote skin rejuvenation and anti-aging, for example. One study showed significantly improved skin complexion and texture, and reduced wrinkles, after 30-60 treatments. Red light appears to increase the body’s production of important skin proteins, including collagen, elastin, and hyaluronic acid. Red-light therapy also markedly reduces acne symptoms and accelerates wound-healing.
Red light also stimulates the growth of hair follicles and increases hair thickness and growth. Red-light combs and hats have already been approved for use by the FDA.
There’s even clinical evidence that red light shined on the brain improves cognitive function for dementia sufferers and people who have suffered mild traumatic brain injuries.
Don’t knock it
So consider this one a bit of a punt. I think there’s every reason to believe red-light therapy increases testosterone, especially when the light is directed at the testes.
I’ve got a red-light machine. I point it at my testes. It makes me feel good. I’m inclined to trust that feeling. If broscience is about anything, it’s experimenting for yourself and trusting what your body tells you.
There are a variety of red-light machines on the market, ranging from the reasonable to the very expensive. Top of the line are the JOOVV models, which cost up to thousands of dollars. (There are plenty of Chinese alternatives on Amazon at much lower prices, but I can’t vouch for their quality.)
One thing you can do, if you want to experiment, is pick up a red 250-watt chicken brooder bulb for less than $20 and put it in a lamp. Et voilà: You have a red-light machine. It won’t necessarily be set to the precise wavelengths being used in red-light therapy (630-660 nm for red light and 810-850 nm for near-infrared light), but there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence for the effectiveness of doing this.
Just don’t get the lamp too close. Trust me: There’s a fine line between tanning and toasting.
Provisisions, Red light therapy, Testosterone, Hormones, Maha, Health, Men’s health, Make american healthy again
